I went to see Aaron today. He seems to be doing good considering where he is. His older brother went along also and that always seems to brighten Aaron up. They still haven't brought him into court to sentence him or whatever it is they need to do to get him back into the state system. As of now he has been in jail for almost 2 months on the county side where he shouldn't be. Nothing else to report on him.
Camping without worry. That's what we did last weekend for my husbands birthday. Just the two of us and although it was extremely hot (99 without factoring in humidity) we had a great time.
Tonight, pina colada's and the pool. No kids at home tonight. Peace!!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Choices?
I seen Aaron on Thursday. It was a very uneventful visit. I feel he is depressed, although he has a reason to be considering where he is. He says he doesn't know how long he will be in there yet. He still hasn't been to court. I'm not so sure of all of this because he then says he will be up for parole in August or September, he can't remember which. He then starts talking about trying to go to a halfway house? I ask if they will actually give him another chance at that since he had already been to Friend of Bills and he says Bill's is a recovery house, this is a halfway house for inmates. It's different he says, more controlled environment. He complained about being in jail. He's so tired of this place. I told him he had had a choice he replied with "did I?". Yes Aaron, Yes you did have a choice, be it that you couldn't, wouldn't or whatever word you would like to use the wrong choice was made. Am I wrong here? Doesn't an addict have choices in life also? How can I believe that he didn't have a choice? Hard or easy everybody has the option of choices everyday in there lives. Am I wrong?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
What we don't know
We will never know everything our addict has done. I know that I don't want to know. If Aaron ever decides to share of course I will listen even though I know it is going to be hell hearing about that side of his life. In the last few days I have gained some insight on Aaron's addiction. He has been using longer than he has said. No surprise there. Going through his belongings that I picked up from Bill's I found a timeline he created.
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| click to enlarge. |
In Aaron's belongings there are many worksheets that Aaron has completed. Some are from his time at Boulware Mission others are from the drug court program. The following letter he had written to himself shows that he "gets" it. Of course I have to wonder, knowing how conniving an addict can be, does he really "get it" or is he just saying what he knows everybody wants to hear? Tough question and only he knows the true answer.
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| click to enlarge |
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
For every action there is a reaction
Today I feel pretty good. I got a lot of work accomplished at work today. I have been letting a lot of things slide at work because of Aaron. I have once again been able to let go and be at peace with Aaron being in jail. This was not the case at all on Sunday. I cried Sunday morning when my husband asked me what was wrong. I had periods all day where I struggled not to cry. I wanted ALL of my children with me. I guess it didn't help any that the first holiday Aaron can't be here due to his addiction just happened to be Mothers day.
Mothers day ended with me being very pissed off. I received a phone call at 10:50 pm. It was a "friend" of Aaron's named Seth. He is also an addict in the drug court program that has been back in jail several times also. He called to tell me he wanted to get Aaron something from commissary, the "meal deal", and he could go half. Since he woke me up which in turn pissed me off about all I could manage to tell him was to keep his money. He tried to lay a guilt trip by saying " I told Aaron I would do this because I know what it is like to be hungry in jail and I'm a man of my word". I told him there wasn't anything he could do for Aaron so keep your money. What pisses me off even more is, Aaron had to put him up to this, he called my cell phone. The only way he could have gotten the number was from Aaron. What I don't understand about all of this is what is the true reason. Aaron knew that I was getting his paycheck and putting on the books for him. He would be able to buy his own commissary. I have a feeling Aaron may have snowballed Seth or Seth owed Aaron money. Either way I wasn't playing the game. I had every intention of calling Seth back and talking to him but he is already back in jail himself. I do however think they both need a lesson in actions and reactions. I have the money from Aaron's paycheck. However I have not put it on the books yet. I was going to do this Monday but after receiving the phone call the reaction is..... I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready and not before.
Mothers day ended with me being very pissed off. I received a phone call at 10:50 pm. It was a "friend" of Aaron's named Seth. He is also an addict in the drug court program that has been back in jail several times also. He called to tell me he wanted to get Aaron something from commissary, the "meal deal", and he could go half. Since he woke me up which in turn pissed me off about all I could manage to tell him was to keep his money. He tried to lay a guilt trip by saying " I told Aaron I would do this because I know what it is like to be hungry in jail and I'm a man of my word". I told him there wasn't anything he could do for Aaron so keep your money. What pisses me off even more is, Aaron had to put him up to this, he called my cell phone. The only way he could have gotten the number was from Aaron. What I don't understand about all of this is what is the true reason. Aaron knew that I was getting his paycheck and putting on the books for him. He would be able to buy his own commissary. I have a feeling Aaron may have snowballed Seth or Seth owed Aaron money. Either way I wasn't playing the game. I had every intention of calling Seth back and talking to him but he is already back in jail himself. I do however think they both need a lesson in actions and reactions. I have the money from Aaron's paycheck. However I have not put it on the books yet. I was going to do this Monday but after receiving the phone call the reaction is..... I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready and not before.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Protective custody? Really? Maybe not!
When Aaron was taken to jail from drug court on April 14th he was not housed in the main jail. He was put into the Restrictive Custody Center (RCC). RCC is where they house trustees, weekenders, and the like that don't actually require or have earned the privilege of not being behind bars. At some point as his letter states he was moved to the jail and put in the "hole" aka solitary confinement for "some stupid shit". More on this later.
I decided to visit Aaron yesterday to see how he is handling the situation, and to find out what we can expect to happen as far as how long and where he will spend his time. We had a good conversation. He is OK with being removed from the drug court program. I guess I can understand why, he is now taking the easy road, he now doesn't have to "work" his recovery. It upsets me that he is accepting it so easily, but nothing I can do about it so I'm letting it go. He talked about how he still needs to "fix" things with us. I told him that there isn't anything he can say to or do for us that will "fix" it, but his actions will. Working on staying clean, doing what ever you need to do to move forward with your life will be the solution. It will all fall into place as you move forward.
I informed Aaron that I will not be visiting him every week but I will visit on occasion if I have time. Also that the phone calls would be accepted few and far between, we will communicate mostly through letters. He was told that I wouldn't put money on the books or get him commissary, although he does have a paycheck and a little bit of tax refund money that I will put on there for him, but since he turns 21 in 4 weeks there will be no more child support and I can't afford it.
I told Aaron that I only ask one thing of him. No matter how much time you spend in jail, be it 6 months or 6 years do one thing for yourself. Go to rehab. Jail will not rehabilitate you, and you haven't been to a true rehab center. He agreed. Yeah we all know what that means, but anyway.
So we got all of that out of the way and I asked him about the "stupid shit". I won't go into the whole conversation, I won't go into detail of how Aaron skirted around his involvement because "HE" didn't do anything of course (please note sarcasm there). So it comes down to this.... Inside the RCC some of the inmates had been huffing paint. Where does Aaron fit into all of this? Aaron was the one caught holding the bag. Literally, holding the bag that contained a rag soaked with paint. He was put in the "hole" because they were hoping he would snitch on the ones that had actually done it (his words).
A day in the life of an addicts mother. Gotta love it!!
I decided to visit Aaron yesterday to see how he is handling the situation, and to find out what we can expect to happen as far as how long and where he will spend his time. We had a good conversation. He is OK with being removed from the drug court program. I guess I can understand why, he is now taking the easy road, he now doesn't have to "work" his recovery. It upsets me that he is accepting it so easily, but nothing I can do about it so I'm letting it go. He talked about how he still needs to "fix" things with us. I told him that there isn't anything he can say to or do for us that will "fix" it, but his actions will. Working on staying clean, doing what ever you need to do to move forward with your life will be the solution. It will all fall into place as you move forward.
I informed Aaron that I will not be visiting him every week but I will visit on occasion if I have time. Also that the phone calls would be accepted few and far between, we will communicate mostly through letters. He was told that I wouldn't put money on the books or get him commissary, although he does have a paycheck and a little bit of tax refund money that I will put on there for him, but since he turns 21 in 4 weeks there will be no more child support and I can't afford it.
I told Aaron that I only ask one thing of him. No matter how much time you spend in jail, be it 6 months or 6 years do one thing for yourself. Go to rehab. Jail will not rehabilitate you, and you haven't been to a true rehab center. He agreed. Yeah we all know what that means, but anyway.
So we got all of that out of the way and I asked him about the "stupid shit". I won't go into the whole conversation, I won't go into detail of how Aaron skirted around his involvement because "HE" didn't do anything of course (please note sarcasm there). So it comes down to this.... Inside the RCC some of the inmates had been huffing paint. Where does Aaron fit into all of this? Aaron was the one caught holding the bag. Literally, holding the bag that contained a rag soaked with paint. He was put in the "hole" because they were hoping he would snitch on the ones that had actually done it (his words).
A day in the life of an addicts mother. Gotta love it!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The decision has been made
This has been weighing so heavily on me. I didn't get much sleep last night. When I did manage to fall asleep I would wake up with Aaron on my mind.
I told my husband yesterday that I didn't want Aaron to come home. Actually I want him to come home but at the same time I don't. I'm sure everybody knows what I mean. Anyway I called drug court but had to leave a message for them to call me back. I was really hoping they could (would) tell me what Aaron tested positive for, and find out what options there are for him besides coming home. Like I told my husband regarding Aaron's letter, if he once again lied he will most definitely not come home. If he is telling the truth it is still very iffy that he will come home, but either way I would like (need) to know. I'm still waiting on the return call.
I just got home from work and brought in the mail. There is a letter addressed to Aaron from the circuit court clerks office. Of course I opened it. Aaron has been terminated from the drug court program due to excessive positive test. His case has been referred back to circuit court. So the decision is, Aaron will be spending the next few years in jail. Today this is killing me. I'm not holding it together very well at the moment. I think I have actually allowed myself to start mourning the loss of my son.
I told my husband yesterday that I didn't want Aaron to come home. Actually I want him to come home but at the same time I don't. I'm sure everybody knows what I mean. Anyway I called drug court but had to leave a message for them to call me back. I was really hoping they could (would) tell me what Aaron tested positive for, and find out what options there are for him besides coming home. Like I told my husband regarding Aaron's letter, if he once again lied he will most definitely not come home. If he is telling the truth it is still very iffy that he will come home, but either way I would like (need) to know. I'm still waiting on the return call.
I just got home from work and brought in the mail. There is a letter addressed to Aaron from the circuit court clerks office. Of course I opened it. Aaron has been terminated from the drug court program due to excessive positive test. His case has been referred back to circuit court. So the decision is, Aaron will be spending the next few years in jail. Today this is killing me. I'm not holding it together very well at the moment. I think I have actually allowed myself to start mourning the loss of my son.
Letter from son
I received this Tuesday
Mom, 5-1-11, I think
I've just now got a envelope so I could write you and tell you some things.
First I wanted to tell you sorry for the way I talked on the phone. I was just mad and frustrated because I'm really not supposed to be in here and I know y'all are going to continue to think I'm lying but for once I really am telling the truth. I had to fail the test because of the alcohol in NyQuil and the only reason I say alcohol is Because Jaimie kept asking me what me and Brad did and he failed the same drug test for alcohol, but I told the judge that and then she told me I'm not supposed to have NyQuil and to do 30 days.
I really was trying to do all the right things too. I just got a sponsor and we were going to start working the twelve steps (I still think you can stay clean without them, but I figured it wouldn't hurt anything.) I don't expect everyone to believe me about the drug test but as long as I'm true to myself I'll be alright.
I'm probably going to get kicked out of Bill's too. So I wanted to ask you if I can talk Jaimie into it I'd like to be able to stay at home. I know things will be tough with all the things I have to do and with gas being so high but I'll give you gas money whenever I start working again. The only other place they'll send me to is the Harbor House and someone told me they would smoke crack in their room and I'm not really trying to be around a bunch of crackheads, and I also have a lot of making up to y'all and if I'm never around y'all then that will never happen. I would really like to be able to stay at home because for almost the past year I've only stayed at home for two nights and I really would be better off being around people that actually love me and are really there to help me. If you can allow that then it would be great but if not that's OK too.
Well I really am getting tired of this jail it's really became over populated and people are starting to get crazy because of it. I've been in the hole for the past week over some stupid stuff I'll explain to you whenever I get out.
Do you remember the guy that used to have the castle looking house on Water St. the city bought it his name is D.F.? Well he's about a retarded mother fucker. They put me in a 8x10 with the retard finally I had to tell the guard that I was going to beat him if they didn't move me by myself. He took a shit and didn't wipe his ass and had the cell stinking so bad. I think Captain Vaught put me there because I wouldn't tell on anyone in the dorm. I'm guessing they're going to keep me back here until I get out which is OK by me because I don't like listening to every ones bullshit lies and stories and it seems like time goes by quicker. I've definitely seen my share of retards since I've been in segregation. But the jail isn't the place for me I'm sick of this place and hate it with a passion and I'm going to go the extra mile to keep from coming back for any reason.
But anyways it's about breakfast time and I'm hungry as hell but I hope to hear back from you to let me know what's going on.
Love you
Aaron
tell everyone I love them. Except for Shane tell him he's gay. Well I guess Shane too.
Mom, 5-1-11, I think
I've just now got a envelope so I could write you and tell you some things.
First I wanted to tell you sorry for the way I talked on the phone. I was just mad and frustrated because I'm really not supposed to be in here and I know y'all are going to continue to think I'm lying but for once I really am telling the truth. I had to fail the test because of the alcohol in NyQuil and the only reason I say alcohol is Because Jaimie kept asking me what me and Brad did and he failed the same drug test for alcohol, but I told the judge that and then she told me I'm not supposed to have NyQuil and to do 30 days.
I really was trying to do all the right things too. I just got a sponsor and we were going to start working the twelve steps (I still think you can stay clean without them, but I figured it wouldn't hurt anything.) I don't expect everyone to believe me about the drug test but as long as I'm true to myself I'll be alright.
I'm probably going to get kicked out of Bill's too. So I wanted to ask you if I can talk Jaimie into it I'd like to be able to stay at home. I know things will be tough with all the things I have to do and with gas being so high but I'll give you gas money whenever I start working again. The only other place they'll send me to is the Harbor House and someone told me they would smoke crack in their room and I'm not really trying to be around a bunch of crackheads, and I also have a lot of making up to y'all and if I'm never around y'all then that will never happen. I would really like to be able to stay at home because for almost the past year I've only stayed at home for two nights and I really would be better off being around people that actually love me and are really there to help me. If you can allow that then it would be great but if not that's OK too.
Well I really am getting tired of this jail it's really became over populated and people are starting to get crazy because of it. I've been in the hole for the past week over some stupid stuff I'll explain to you whenever I get out.
Do you remember the guy that used to have the castle looking house on Water St. the city bought it his name is D.F.? Well he's about a retarded mother fucker. They put me in a 8x10 with the retard finally I had to tell the guard that I was going to beat him if they didn't move me by myself. He took a shit and didn't wipe his ass and had the cell stinking so bad. I think Captain Vaught put me there because I wouldn't tell on anyone in the dorm. I'm guessing they're going to keep me back here until I get out which is OK by me because I don't like listening to every ones bullshit lies and stories and it seems like time goes by quicker. I've definitely seen my share of retards since I've been in segregation. But the jail isn't the place for me I'm sick of this place and hate it with a passion and I'm going to go the extra mile to keep from coming back for any reason.
But anyways it's about breakfast time and I'm hungry as hell but I hope to hear back from you to let me know what's going on.
Love you
Aaron
tell everyone I love them. Except for Shane tell him he's gay. Well I guess Shane too.
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