It gets scarier every day

http://www.wlky.com/news/29767314/detail.html#.TsLXu_6s2qQ.facebook

Attitudes

I have been meaning to post for the last two weeks but just couldn't quite get around to it. I have been keeping myself pretty busy lately, enjoying every minute of this new found freedom called empty nest. I'm loving it!! Taking some time to get my house actually organized. Redoing the room my daughter used and making it my "dressing room". The biggest change so far is the 35 lbs I have lost woot woot!! Yep yep, loving it!!!

The reason for this post is Aaron's attitude. Two weeks ago when our visit started everything was great. The last 15 minutes of our visit not so much. If there wasn't a guard along with cameras in the visitation room I swear I would have beat him. I could literally picture holding him down and beating him senseless. So senseless is not the correct word because he doesn't have any sense right now. No I have never beat my kids but dammit I was not there to listen to him having a pity party. I'm so tired of this place he would say. All of the new inmates that come in from some other jail say how bad this place is compared to any place else they have been, he whined. I'm just not sure I want to spend the rest of my time here, he sounded like a kid instead of a grown man. Still not able to accept the consequences of his actions. My reply was harsh and stern. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you because your in jail. You had a choice, you chose to be here instead of out in the world when you made the conscience decision to use. You were given many chances to not be here. This is what you chose. I will not sit here and tell you not to get transferred  to another facility, you do what you feel you need to do. Just remember it's your actions that the parole board is watching. Now to explain the transfer. The only way for Aaron to be moved to another facility is to get into trouble. By doing so it will change his felony class to D, he is currently classed as C. Our county jail is a class C facility. I don't exactly know the differences between class C and class D facilities if there is a difference. So there still seems to be no acceptance. In my heart I know there is no chance of recovery for him at this point in time. I can only hope right now he is quickly accepted into the SAP program and they can open his eyes. It's obvious to me he has not seen the light yet.

Kentucky SAP

I have gotten more details about the SAP (substance abuse program) from Aaron today. He has applied for it. His parole is upon completion of the program. If he is accepted but does not like the terms he can refuse it and continue doing his time. If he is accepted and goes with the program he will be transferred to a different facility. Our county jail is not in the program. I can handle him being moved if it means he is doing the program that will help him out further in his recovery. Yes I still understand that it isn't a guarantee, but I do believe with each rehab attempt recovery odds rise. Aaron has attempted recovery twice, once on his own and again with help. Maybe the third time will be the charm. One can only HOPE!!

A link for more info on Kentucky SAP  http://corrections.ky.gov/reentry/Documents/SAP/SAPPub102011.pdf

He saw the board.

I heard from Aaron this morning, he saw the parole board. He has been deferred for 1 year. Our phone call was cut short so I didn't get all of the info but Aaron mentioned they want him in SAP (substance abuse program). I'll find out more during our visit on Sunday.
I didn't realize, until the call, how much I was looking forward to having him out. Apparently out is not where he is meant to be right now.

Is that even possible?

I was reading an article about a meth lab bust in our area. They discovered 65 one pot method labs in one house. They also found jars of urine. It seems meth addicts/makers are now recycling meth from urine. This just blows my mind. I wouldn't have thought there would be anything usable left by the time you pee it out, that anything "good" in meth would have been metabolized and used in the body. Shows what we know. Warning to parents, a new sign of a drug problem in our children has emerged. If you find a jar of urine, question it!!!

Peace still equals not blogging so much.

With Aaron in jail the peacefulness is still among us. Life's ordinary every day stresses are all we are dealing with. We are still visiting Aaron every Sunday and it has been wonderful spending time with him.
An update to the previous post on telling Aaron his "friend" was gone. I went to see him that Friday, the day his obituary was in the paper. As we were getting drinks from the machine in the visiting room he asked what I was up to. I told him that I didn't know if he had seen the paper today and if so I thought he might need somebody to talk to. He said he did see it, about an hour before I got there, he asked if it was an overdose. I told him what I knew and he was surprised. Not surprised that he was dead, surprised by how he died.

In other household news, my oldest son moved out about 3 weeks ago. Today my daughter and her sister will be signing a lease or an apartment they will be sharing. I am so happy for them, but to be selfish I am more happy for me. I have been eagerly awaiting an empty nest. Don't get me wrong I love my kids dearly but there comes a time in our lives where some moving on needs to happen, after all they are 25 and 26. I cut the apron strings a long time ago and now finally so have they.

Which of course brings me back again to Aaron. He will find out this month if he makes parole and will be released in December. If he is released he will come home. I know, I know, it's not what should be allowed, but like Tori, something feels right. Of course there will be the rules/contract. Boundaries will be set for all and we will proceed on with life. Aaron's proceeding will be completely up to him, but he will have to proceed forward to stay here.

I don't want to have the conversation again.

I found out today that another one of Aaron's friends has died. He was 24. I don't know how long they were "friends". I do know they had done drugs together. I may have me mentioned him in prior post, I don't remember. Last year after Aaron was arrested I had a conversation with his grandmother. She told me then he had almost died a couple of weeks prior to our conversation. He had overdosed. She found him blue and put her oxygen on him. She saved his life. He did not die of an overdose yesterday. He hung himself. Now I have to figure out how to tell Aaron once again that a friend has committed suicide.