Never assume.

You know the saying... assume, makes an ass out of you and me. So it didn't actually make me an ass but it caused complete useless worry (madness) on my part this time. Aaron does not have a new theft charge. He has a summons to go to court for a show cause hearing on the previous theft charges. I knew he had a court date approaching. The jail website does not say it is "just" a summons that I knew all about.  It seems so awful that my sons character now brings me to this, I do not feel bad for thinking that my son did something new. I am happy that he didn't.

So I have learned something new. From now on call somebody and find out before blowing a fuse, but in my complete pissedoffness, I refused to call, it wasn't my problem, mind my own business, blah blah blah.


Thank you to all of you that replied to my previous post. Your words have meant the world!!

Backwards over every damn hurdle he ever crossed?

I just received a text message from my daughter asking why Aaron has a theft by unlawful taking charge. I checked the jail website. Sure enough there it is in black and white. It's a damn good thing he is protected by some bars right now because I could literally strangle him right now.

Edited to add...
I have sat here and gotten really pissed!! I know this is all Aaron's choice but I would love to know who the person was that gave Aaron his first taste of the drugs that changed our lives. I would love to stomp some ass right now. I know it wouldn't change anything but it sure would make me feel better!!

Part of my recovery?

I'm not sure. It could be a part of it or maybe it is still a part of me that has a need to try to help Aaron. Just one more thing that might be the trigger that his brain needs to truly start his recovery. I have several (I have forgotten how many) envelopes addressed to Aaron in care of the jail. Inside each one is a poem with insight to or about addiction. I am dropping one in the mail everyday. I was going to do this the last time he went to jail but didn't. I'm now hoping that something in these writings will sink in. I will provide links to them so you can read them too. I found them very interesting, tearful, and with so much meaning. I also copied Kel's blog posting about her son's autopsy report. I feel Aaron should know what it is going to be like for me someday if he continues on his current path.

Here are a few links to poems or stories that I have for Aaron.

I walk down the street
The battle
Year of the dragon
A man of your own
Two wolves , you will have to scroll down just a little to find this one.

This isn't all of them I have but I did this on my computer at work over the last several days and now can't remember where all of them came from.

Here's to hoping he sees the light soon.

Backwards over hurdle number one

Aaron called:
A.. mom please call drug court and find out why I'm going to jail. They said something about somebody said something. They won't tell me why. Please mom call up there!!
Me.. I'll call
A.. OK, I love you.
Me.. I love you too.

So I called:
Me.. Hi this is L, A's mom. He just called and said he is going to jail and doesn't know why.
DCL (drug court lady).. He knows exactly why ma'am. He had a positive test. He will do 30 days this time and that is if we decide to keep him in the program. His problem with honesty.. well he needs to start being honest.
Me.. when was this test?
DCL.. April 9th. You really need to try to encourage him. We want to help him but he has to want the help.
Me: yes I know, this isn't a new rodeo for us.

Aaron's second call:
A.. so did you find out what is going on?
Me.. yes I did.
A.. so what is it?
Me.. You know what it is about!
A.. No I don't!
Me.. you had another positive test!!
A.. You watch, that test isn't positive, I won't admit to it. This is bullshit!! They said that Griffin told them something. I won't admit to it. Do what you have to do, cause I won't admit to it. You watch I won't be in here for 30 days either, I'll bet you. So go ahead and do what you got to do.
Me.. Well given the history you know what I have to believe and I hope you understand that.
A.. Yeah I understand, but I won't admit to it. I got to go.

The plan:
Do not accept any collect calls. Do not visit him in jail. Do not put money on the books. Do not take him anything. Let him realize his situation without his family.

I am editing here to add because..... I already failed part of my plan. Of course I can justify it because Aaron hadn't been told about the "plan". He has now. He called again (collect this time, other 2 were not collect) to ask me once again to call drug court and ask them some questions. I told him no!!!!! I'm proud of myself but it hurt at the same time. I told him I wouldn't play referee between him and drug court. He could talk to them on Monday. He also told me that he has contact visitation on Friday and Saturday if I want to come see him. I told him I wouldn't be there to see him, that I couldn't do it anymore. Then came the guilt trip. He said "oh yeah be there for the good times but not the bad times". I reminded him that I told him we would only be there for him when he wasn't using drugs. He comes back with asking how are you going to feel when this is all straightened out and you find out I didn't do anything. I said happy, I will be happy. Somewhere in this conversation I told him that it's not always about you, you have no idea what it does to everybody else. No clue at all and I hope you never have to find out. There was quite a bit more to this conversation but I can't get it in order right now. I feel totally wiped out.

Hurdle number one!

And he's up and over!!!

He found a job!!

I got to spend a little time with Aaron yesterday. He seems very depressed to me. I mentioned it and he said he wasn't, just had his belly full and was tired. I also (shame on me) let Aaron use my car. I started not to and then figured if he was wanting drugs I'm sure he would get them with or without my car (yes I understand the recourse of using my car). Of course later I checked to make sure our pool sticks were still in the trunk. I hate that. I have noticed something with Aaron's cell phone use, since he has gotten out of jail this time he isn't burning that thing up using it so much. I'm hoping that it's a good sign in the "friendship" department.

Side note... no I do not have access to see who Aaron is calling, his phone is just that, his. I'm referring to actually seeing him use it.

Remember it is a disease.

Driving home from work the other day it popped into my thoughts. I have heard it many times. It is a disease. Always remember it is a disease. You know it's a disease just like any other disease. Personally I'm getting tired of hearing those words, a disease just like any other disease. IT"S NOT JUST LIKE ANY OTHER!!! If it was like any other I could help. I could be mom the conquerer, the helper, the healer, the gopher, the ass wiper, and any other thing I wanted to be. Not with addiction. All I can do is sit back and watch my son fight his own fight without any help from me. He will either figure out how to stay sober, go to jail, or die. All I can do is watch? If it was cancer I could drive him to appointments, hold his hand, sit with him every minute of the day, feed him, give him money, coddle him like a baby if I was so inclined.
Right now for Aaron to stay in the drug court program he has to put in 10 job apps, do 6 hours of community service and attend 1 meeting per day. He has one week to find a job. His time is running fast. I sit back and watch. I can't slow down time either. It's not like any other.

Back to day one.

Aaron gets out today. Hopefully he still has a spot at Friends of Bills.