I need to start looking at the positive side instead of the negative. Aaron seems to be doing very well. He has had two job offers and starts work tonight. To my knowledge he is keeping his appointments and going to the required meetings. I say to my knowledge based on the fact that he isn't in jail. Unfortunately I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. He is obviously passing his drug test, but all I can seem to focus on is how many panels does this test cover? Not all test are created equal. No I don't know if Aaron is using, I never really had a clue. If Aaron hasn't used, he is now 9 months clean! I'm trying to trust that he isn't. I can't even say I have a gut instinct or mothers intuition.
I did however go against my better judgement and didn't change the entry codes to the house. I decided that it didn't matter if I changed them because if he wanted something bad enough he was going to get it anyway. Nothing is missing. I wish I could gain at least a little trust in Aaron. Hopefully in time.
Another thing that is bothering me is the "apology". I have read on some blogs about the apology when the child becomes clean. How they are sorry for what they have done, stole, pawned, etc. These seem to be heartfelt apologies. Aaron wrote a letter to a woman he stole from, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. He also went to a former employer that he owes money to and apologized to him for not paying him the money that he owed and told him he would make it right as soon as he could. Where is my apology? I have yet to hear an apology from Aaron. Should this bother me or should I just let it go? I would like to let it go, it's just not easy to do. Do I think he is sorry? Yes I do, but it sure wouldn't hurt to hear it.
I'm going to pick Aaron up in a little while. Do to all of this rain we are having and living in the country our washer can't be used right now so I asked Aaron if he would go with me to do laundry. Maybe a little one on one time will do us both some good. Of course I'm still going on the idea of if you don't want to be lied to then don't ask.
Oh, and have I mentioned that Aaron doesn't believe he "needs" 12 step? He is going to meetings because he has to.
Amends, or apologies, usually come with the ninth step in twelve step programs: "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
ReplyDeleteYou say that Aaron doesn't believe he needs the steps. So, its unlikely that he will make amends as part of that program.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have tried to make amends where I can. However, the only real way to make amends is for me to work my program and to stay clean. If Aaron is doing that, and you seem to think he is, than either the amends will come in time, or, your need to receive one will be lessened as you see him becoming the man you want him to be.
My best advice would be to not press for something that he is not ready to do. Accept the gift of his clean time and don't look for what he is not capable of right now.
It is hardest to make that apology to our mother. It is easier for us to face how we may have affected the life of a stranger. We can think about that, compartmentalize it, and move on. It is much more complicated when we think back about how we have hurt our mothers. It is not an easy thing for an addict to think about...I mean, as an addict, we have been running from our problems for years, sometimes...and thinking about how we have hurt our parents is something we still avoid for a while. It is just too painful to think about. And in the beginning, things are still so shaky for the addict. You still are not sure if you are going to make it through this. You do not want to disappoint your parents any more, but you know that one wrong move will disappoint them all over again. And in the beginning, and addict is not sure he can get through the next week without one wrong move...let alone, the next year. But, trust me...he is sorry. And in time, he will tell you so. I did not really apologize to my mom for a long time, but when I did..I knew I meant every word of it, and I also had been clean long enough to finally understand the pure hell I put her through. That was one of the hardest things to face, really. And it took her a long time to trust me again. Years. I had to prove myself to her. And in the beginning, I still messed up some. I had to get it together, and I had to prove to her that I was changed, I was serious. And once I did all that, the trust came back more naturally. My mother could finally see that person she knew so many years before the addiction...that same person, yet older and much more weathered, and a little more wiser. Anyway, I am rambling a little...but, it all takes time. The trust will come back when it is EARNED back...that is how trust works. And frankly, when an addict is still taking drug tests with the courts, he has not earned back that trust, yet. He has a long way to go to earn back your trust. It will come with time...probably quite a few years.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the replies. They have helped a lot.
ReplyDeleteLaura, I am a firm believer in AA, NA, and Al-Anon 12 step programs. My son who is 23 has been battling this disease of alchoholism and drug addiction continuously for 4 years. Although both he and I were forced to attend meetings initially, we both have come to find them beneficial and even necessary to maintain our sanity. I consider Saturday mornings at 11 am to be the beginning of my week (my weekly Al-Anon meeting). The Serenity Prayer sustains me and "Let Go and Let God" reminds me to get out of my son's way.
ReplyDeletebemelons is on the spot..
ReplyDeleteHi - I don't agree with the 12 steps; I don't agree with the addict being powerless.
ReplyDeleteI'm a heroin user. I used to be a crack addict, which I no longer am, owing to rehab. I got no real benefit from 12 step, I found it to be flawed, and patronising, and I am uncomfortable with the idea of a Higher Power.
I don't doubt it works for some, but I only ever attended NA when forced to, or when required to. I got nothing from it. Rehab worked for me; it was residential, focussed on identifying and changing behaviours that were leading to addiction. I found the time out away from my criminal buddies, and away from the lifestyle was the most important thing for me.
I went to some 12 step groups but I loathed them, I found them cliquey and almost brainwashed. NA in particular was full of mugs that thought a day of sobriety was a day well lived.
I'm sorry, but it isn't.
A day well lived is a day in which something is achieved, in which you work and succeed, in which you do something good at home, in which you create something, or do something.
Getting through a day sober, living solely for the meetings and talking about drugs, having no ambition other than to not take drugs seems like such a waste of life.
Sobriety is great, if you want it, but surely that should just be a small part of life. I am a heroin user. I have no problem with that. I enjoy using. I am a productive, happy member of my family, and of society. My day focusses on what I can achieve, and what fun I can have.
I'll never use crack again, it's a bad drug and came close to destroying me. I choose to stay away from it, and people who use it. I don't need 12 step, I just choose not to do it.
I hope your son sorts himself out; it must be terrible for you parents to see a child so out of control. I'd be so unhappy if it were my son. I'm determined to keep him away from drugs as best I can.